Does this look like a picture of someone grieving?
What do you think is going on for her?
I ask this because when I was looking for a picture to head this post, I searched for 'bereaved at work' and 'sad at work', from an online image studio. Bafflingly, all that came back were endless images of happy and engaged-looking people in seemingly productive and creative situations and work groups.
Among them, this one was an exception. To me, she looks quite sad - perhaps she could be a bereaved colleague?
The studio, however, doesn't see her like that at all: the caption they've chosen is 'Woman thinking at work'.
Maybe this isn't that surprising after all. Without a caption, she could be thinking. Or she could be grieving. Grief, sadness and loneliness are human experiences, but possibly not experiences readily visible in the workplace. How free do we feel to be fully human at work and would we recognise it if we saw it?
Recently leafing through the bereavement literature that I've gathered over the years, I came across an article written some time ago that stopped me in my tracks because of how it described being at work while grieving. It was written by Linda Aitchison, whose husband had died very suddenly.
The article was titled Coping with grief at work: why moving on is the hardest job ever.
It began by asking a really thoughtful question:
"Why do we spend time debating a woman's role when another life begins, but not what to do when a loved one's life ends?"
A good point?
Having a baby is acknowledged (usually) as a huge milestone that connects us with the world and our human self. A new human being inspires awe. Everyone around us recognises this profound event and change; we feel seen and understood on a deep level. It's like the world expands with us, creating new possibilities and hopes for the future.
By contrast, when we lose someone essential to us, our future life and hopes, the world doesn't readily meet us and offer up to us in the same way at all. We can feel isolated. It all feels changed, colder and indifferent to us, deepening the sense of what's missing.
How do we reconcile the enormity of our grief with the need to keep functioning in this world?
It's true that this isn't just a workplace thing; it's a common reality for those grieving. Typically, too, whether grieving or not, most of us do send our 'work selves' off to the job while keeping our private selves separate. But the loss of a vital someone has a way of plunging us straight into our raw, human self.
According to Cruse Bereavement Support, over half of bereaved employees feel unsupported at work. How can this be? Are most people unkind? No, quite the opposite in my working experience. But we don't really know what to say, how to act with them. We perhaps worry about making things even worse for them, (even though we know that's hardly possible). Not only that, it can feel almost 'inappropriate'. Maybe as if we'd be overstepping a line somehow, as if this isn't the 'place' for it.
Here's an extract from the article Aitchison wrote describing returning to work after the death:
Linda Aitchison, 'Coping with grief at work: why moving on is the hardest
job ever', The Guardian.
It was the rawness and starkness that had struck me: the way in which she expresses what it was like for her. Her unfiltered reaction to her colleagues' apparent obliviousness. After all, there's something admirable in her refusal to toe the socially expected line: I wondered how her colleagues had reacted to her? Nonplussed? A bit guilty? A bit indignant?
Firstly, though, I don't think the writer was at all bothered about defying social expectations. I think she was simply beyond that point, beyond filters. One way of putting it is that she was reacting completely authentically. She reacted purely as a human being, one in abject pain.
Secondly, it led me to thinking about my knowledge of how things actually are. The writer doesn't describe if, or how, her colleagues reacted. I suspect, though, that for many of us in the workplace, this response just wouldn't be possible. It's tempting to say it would not be a possible way to 'behave'. Too risky, impossible even, to allow ourselves such a raw (and human) reaction in a workplace environment. There just isn't a place, or space, for it. The only possible way to be is to just, well, carry on as usual, hide it as best you can.
Really? Surely we're getting better at this...
With the rise of attention to well-being in the workplace, bereavement has been identified as an issue of concern. Cruse perhaps leads the way by providing awareness training for organisations. The acknowledgement is out there - that this is an experience that is currently poorly handled and for which change is needed. Change how? This can be a bit harder to pin down. The main aim perhaps is a 'cultural change' in the corporate/organisational world - inclusion in HR policies and processes.
It's true that any change must start with people - culture includes every one of us. But it's quite challenging to envision what a 'cultural change' means, what it would truly look like, 'from the inside' if you will. Specifically, I struggle to imagine how it would be for me as a bereaved person in many workplaces today, (whether or not awareness training has been implemented). What would a cultural change look like for me; how would it translate into my day-to-day experience?
But there is one thing I do know: bereavement, the death of someone very close to us, is a deeply human event that requires a deeply human response. This means a response from another person, not just an HR policy or pathway.
Grieving at work
Imagine this, (or maybe it's currently real for you). You're bereaved. Its impact is so intense that it just burns right through all the faces you present and the roles you occupy. You're really struggling to fit this in with work. What would you do? Well, most probably you would talk to your line manager. Your line manager may be a deeply sympathetic human being, but they probably have to respond in accordance with those HR procedures and guidelines. Because your performance record and pay could be impacted if they're not correctly followed.
So maybe your workplace makes some allowances for you, if you're fortunate. You might be able to take some time off or adjust your hours, even if only temporarily. While it's reassuring to know that allowances are being made - there is some acknowledgement - you're aware that the ultimate goal is to get you back to 'normal' functioning and back to work.
You likely desire this as well; you yearn for things to return to how they were before. But now that world no longer exists. For you, everything has fundamentally and profoundly changed, and it's up to you to navigate this new reality. This can be a lonely, uncertain and insecure place to be.
Grieving at work: one thing that helps
Now. Imagine this: what if you had just one person there who completely and utterly 'gets it'? Someone who really sees the magnitude of your loss and sees you?
Let's just pause on that expression 'Someone who gets it'.
It's a short, perhaps quite casually-used expression. But when we use it, we know that it means so much more. A shorthand perhaps for someone who somehow makes contact, or connects, with us 'underneath', on a whole new, deeper level. They connect with how we're seeing, understanding and experiencing the world.
An empathetic ally in what might otherwise feel an unsafe environment. Really what it comes down to is another human being: that's the 'one thing'....
This one thing is actually everything.
Bringing your presence as another human being and sharing it with someone grieving is like placing a space of safety and support around them. You don't need to learn it - it's already in you, even if it's just not the usual first face you feel able to present, particularly at work.
Maybe you've already been this human who connected with your bereaved colleague, just like this. You will know it, as will they. You will have made such a difference for them.
I know this because this human-to-human experience is at the heart of what we do in counselling. Deep loss rips through our world, leaving us exposed in a distinctly human way. Counselling is about that human-to-human connection between you and your counsellor, so much more than just a supportive conversation.
If something in this post speaks to you and what you're going through, you don't have to wait for things to change around you. Instead, come and discover how real, genuine human connection can help you understand, rediscover yourself and find your way through the space between your profound loss and your daily life
If you want to read more on the theme of bereavement in day-to-day life, please see the following blogposts or visit my blog page https://melaniehillcounselling/blog
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